Unravelling
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Ethan is distraught after failing to help a suicidal patient. Cal knows something is wrong, but he has to find Ethan first. Set after Black Alert 16/01/16


_This is set after Black Alert. I hope it's okay and not too similar to other stories._

* * *

Cal was always relieved to see the end of his shift. He loved his job (mostly), but it was intense, exhausting and emotional. He'd appreciated his home-times even more over the last three emotional months, but if anything, he'd been longing for it even more today.

He'd tried to concentrate on what he was doing and he'd mostly succeeded, but the image of Ethan shouting at a patient would not leave his mind. If Cal had shouted at a patient, he'd have been disappointed with himself (though some patients did ask for it) but not completely surprised. If it had been Lily or Connie, that would almost count as business as usual in the ED. Certainly nothing for Cal to bother his head about.

But Ethan? Shy, gentle, kind little Ethan shouting at a patient and needing to be restrained by two people?

Cal would have thought it impossible if he hadn't been one of them.

He hurried to the staff room to meet Ethan, but there was no sign of him. He waited a while, but then his panic took hold and he rushed through the ED, looking everywhere, no matter how unlikely. He pushed past Connie and Lily, who both proved to him that they were prepared to shout if sufficiently annoyed, but Cal didn't care. He just wanted to find his brother.

He saw Charlie ahead and ran to him, not bothering to hide his fear because Charlie had seen Cal a whole lot more than just frightened. "Charlie, have you seen Ethan?"

"No, I haven't," said Charlie testily and turned away. Cal stared miserably after him, feeling lost without Charlie's support, but then he remembered Ethan and resumed his search.

He very nearly missed Ethan. The room appeared empty apart from a patient covered with a sheet. His worry increasing, Cal started to leave.

Then he heard a sniffle and a gasping, stifled sob.

Cal looked down to see Ethan sitting on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest and his head resting on them. He threw himself beside his brother, very nearly kneeling on his glasses. Cal moved them out of the way and put his arm around Ethan. "What's wrong, Nibbles?"

Ethan lifted his head and wiped tears from his cheeks. "Why do they have to die, Cal?" he asked, sounding at least twenty years younger than he was.

"Oh, Ethan." Cal knew there was no answer to that. He rubbed circles on Ethan's back. "Come on. Let's go and get changed and I'll take you home."

Ethan looked up at him with wide, wet brown eyes. Then he shook his head and put it back on his knees.

"Ethan, you can't stay here," said Cal, really worried now. "Someone's going to want to come in here and – well, you know." He gestured towards the sheet-covered body, even though Ethan wasn't looking.

Ethan sniffed. "I'm so tired, Cal," he whispered.

Cal stroked his hair. "Yeah, I'm not surprised. But the sooner we get your stuff, the sooner we can go home."

Ethan mumbled something that sounded like: "I can't go in there."

Cal could see his point. Even if the staff room was empty, they were likely to be seen by someone on the way. "Okay. I'll go and get your stuff for you." He looked at Ethan, desperate to offer some comfort, but he could think of nothing to say other than: "I'll be back as soon as I can."

* * *

When Cal returned, Ethan was sitting where he'd left him, his face still hidden in his knees. Cal bent down and touched his shoulder. "Hey, Nibbles." He gave Ethan some tissues. "I stole these from your locker: thought you might need them. "

"Thanks," mumbled Ethan, his nose already buried in them. Cal waited while Ethan dried his tears and put his glasses on, then he supported Ethan as he slowly got to his feet, and helped him on with his coat.

"Okay, Ethan?" said Cal. "Ready to go?"

Ethan nodded and looked back at the bed, but that was probably a mistake. His eyes flooded with tears. "My fault, Cal. My fault…"

Cal caught his little brother in his arms, turning him away from the bed. "No. It's not your fault, Ethan. It's not. Patients die sometimes. I know you did your best."

"No," whispered Ethan, holding on tightly to Cal. "I can't do this. I can't do it anymore."

Cal couldn't hide his shock. He felt like that all the time, but he'd never imagined it could happen to Ethan. "You can't do anymore _tonight_. That's why I'm taking you home. But you might feel different tomorrow."

* * *

They left the hospital together. Cal didn't like to put his arm around Ethan in case it drew attention to them, but he carried Ethan's bag. Ethan's movements were jerky and he was staring at the floor.

Ethan's movements were jerky…

Panic raced through Cal. Why were Ethan's movements jerky? Was it because he was upset? Because his body was shaking with sobs? Because he was tense and his back and legs were aching after such a long shift? Because his muscles were stiff from sitting on the floor?

 _Or because… Oh God, please don't let it be because…_

Cal wanted to grab Ethan and hold him close and probably cry even more than Ethan had done, but one thing held him back. Ethan would want explanations – and Cal couldn't give them now.

He nearly groaned aloud when he saw Charlie ahead of them. He couldn't deal with this now. More importantly, _Ethan_ couldn't deal with this now.

Charlie stepped forward and put his hand on Ethan's arm.

Cal was so panicky now, he couldn't even think properly. _Please don't tell Ethan! Can't you see the state of him? Please don't say anything that might upset him because he's in pieces already and I don't even know what's wrong…_

"Ethan, I know it's not always easy to sleep after a shift like this, but try to get as much rest as you can," said Charlie. "You can always take tomorrow off if you need to."

"Thanks, Charlie," whispered Ethan. "I-I-I'm sorry about…"

"We all have moments like that," said Charlie. "That's why we need to look after each other. I know you've done your share of looking after other people. Now it's your turn."

Cal was sure that was directed at him. He wanted to throw himself at Charlie's feet and beg him not to abandon him. He only had Charlie and Ethan and he couldn't bear to lose either of them, but Charlie was disgusted with him and Ethan would hate him when he knew the truth.

Charlie's gaze switched to Cal. "You too, Cal. You need to look after yourself as well as Ethan." His gaze seemed to soften. "I can see you're both very stressed. The last thing you need is… more stress."

Cal's legs felt weak with relief, recognising that Charlie was apologising for his harsh words earlier and acknowledging that Cal had been right to delay telling Ethan this time. "Thanks, Charlie. I'll look after him. I promise."

* * *

Cal and Ethan sat together on the sofa. Ethan was crying quietly and Cal was just watching him, having given up any hope of providing any comfort.

Ethan wiped his nose on a tissue, dabbed some more tears away and sighed sadly.

Cal squeezed Ethan's hand. "You want to tell me about it?"

He could tell Ethan was thinking about it. He wiped his eyes again and fiddled with his glasses, though he didn't put them back on. "I know there's stuff you're not telling me, Cal. And it hurts. It hurts so much that you won't trust me. I keep looking at you and trying to work it out, but every time I look at you, you're eyes are redder and I know you've been crying again. But the thing I know most of all is that you didn't come to me."

"I didn't want to worry you," said Cal shakily.

"I know you didn't," said Ethan. "And that tore me apart because I'm your brother and I'm supposed to be worried. I've spent my whole life worrying. But now…"

"What?" said Cal anxiously.

"Now something's happened to me," said Ethan, "and I can't tell you. I just can't. There's a pain inside me, an ache, and it won't stop, and I know if I try to speak or even think too hard, it will make it even worse. There's something in my throat, clogging it, so almost every word chokes me and I know that if I tried to tell you, it would get bigger and bigger and I wouldn't be able to say a word. But most of all, there's a voice in my head telling me I can't say anything because it's all my fault and if I even hinted at what I'd done, it would all be over."

Cal could hardly speak through his terror. "What would all be over?"

"Everything," said Ethan simply, and he looked at Cal with defeated but dry eyes. "So I can't say anything, Cal. I can't." He smiled suddenly, but the effect was almost chilling, despite the affection in it as he moved closer to Cal. "You were right. I was wrong. Sometimes the only way is to bury your head in the sand. Sometimes that's the only way you can keep going. So that's what I'm going to do. Because if I don't keep going, I'll have to stop. And then I'll have failed and I'll never be able to get it right."

"Stop what?" said Cal, his voice shaking. "Get what right?"

"My job," said Ethan calmly. "So I won't stop, Cal. I'm going to keep going. I can do this." He gave Cal a brittle smile. "I'm going to bed now. Thanks for bringing me home."

He gave Cal a hug, which proved more than anything that he wasn't himself, and walked away. Cal wasn't sure if he'd hugged Ethan back or not. His thoughts were racing and he knew with cold certainty that Ethan had made the wrong decision.

But what could he do about it? How could he object to what Ethan was doing when he was doing exactly the same thing?

 _I'm here, little brother_ , Cal thought as he sat on the sofa, trembling. _Maybe this seems like the right decision now, but it's not and sooner or later you're going to realise that. But you'll be okay. I know you'll be okay because I'll be here waiting to catch you when you fall._

 _It's time for me to be the safety net._

 _It's time for me to be the big brother._


End file.
